From My Heart to Yours
“This is my story; this is my song. Praising my Savior all the day long.” (Fanny Crosby, “Blessed Assurance,” Christian Hymn,1873)
We all have a story, and no two are alike. Each one is unique. My story of becoming a mom is no doubt a God story! It is a story of his deep love and compassion for me. It is a story of loss and suffering. But it is, most importantly, a story of redemption and a repositioning of my will. That is the essential message that I pray each reader of it will take away!
You see, I had it all planned out. I yearned to have the title of “Mom,” and I had a plan to see it through. I had every little detail scripted. I moved along, working it all out, even in my heart and mind, the very time of conception and exactly how I would surprise my husband with the great news! It was an exciting time… until it wasn’t.
It was unexpected. Month after month of failed pregnancies, a jarring diagnosis of fertility problems, surgery followed by fertility treatments, then miscarriage. It felt as if I had become a science experiment, and my very deep yearning and dream to be a mom was dying. It was a dark time, and hope was hard for me to find. The truth is I had taken the commander position over my story, and it didn’t belong to me. I had been the Lord of my life, expecting God to come alongside all of my plans and put his stamp of approval on them. I hadn’t considered what his plan was for me because I was too busy working out my own plan. I hadn’t prayed about my plan. I hadn’t even consulted him about what his plan might be. I am not at all proud of this, but it is the truth.
I think all of us can identify with this because if we’re truthful with ourselves, we know there have been times in our lives when we took over the controls, and before we knew it, our good plans didn’t look so good and then we hit rock bottom. That’s where my story began to take a turn!
I’ll never forget the moment it happened. My husband and I had just come out of what had become a routine meeting with my out-of-town fertility specialist. I was so physically tired, and my husband was emotionally tired. I remember going to lunch, sitting down at the restaurant table, and almost at the same time, he and I looked up at each other and said, “I don’t think we’re supposed to do this anymore.” Big Exhale! He told me later that he was really afraid to say those words to me, but he believed that God was speaking this to him. Ironically, I had felt the very same thing but didn’t want to disappoint him! There were a lot of tears that day, but this time they were tears of joy and a new sense of hope – not because we had all the answers or a new plan to execute but because we were now listening to what God had to say!
As I began to pray and surrender my will that day, God began to speak to me through his words in the bible and in my prayer time. And WOW, did he speak! He showed me that I absolutely had to lay down my will and let him be the Lord of my life and all my plans. The truth was that while I had accepted him as my Savior many years ago, I just hadn’t given him the Lordship over my life. You see, I had been hanging on to that control, and unbeknownst to me, I was going in the wrong direction, missing out on the wonderful plan he had crafted for me.
Within weeks, he began to sow the word “adoption” into my heart, and he brought people into my life to encourage me along this journey! I didn’t seek them out. He brought them straight to me! In a very short period of time, my husband and I found ourselves in the adoption process. And I finally found myself right where I was meant to be – in God’s Plan for me!
You see, this wasn’t His plan B because my original plan didn’t work out. It was His plan A for me all along! With God, there are no plan B’s, no mistakes, no accidents. His plan is ALWAYS perfect because he created us and knows his plan for us! This is exactly what his word says in the bible!
During the adoption process, I had the honor of talking to many moms who were in the midst of deep and courageous decision making for the children they carried. I learned so much in these conversations about each of their stories, and God pricked my heart with such compassion. Their stories stuck in my mind, and God gave me the opportunity to love and encourage each one. He gave me the opportunity to share just how deep and forgiving His love is, no matter what is in one’s past. Because we have all sinned and fallen short, we’re all in the same boat – sinners who need a Savior! There is no shame too big for his salvation to cover. God gave me these unexpected conversations over and over and a message of hope, and what a privilege it was to speak this to them. Some of these women chose to parent their child, and some carefully and lovingly made an adoption plan. Most importantly, all of them learned that God loved them!
Within the next four years that followed, God gave me and my husband not one but two beautiful boys and a beautiful adoption experience with their birth mothers. His work throughout the journey was nothing less than supernatural and miraculous! He taught me so many things about His grace, His mercy, and His Abba Daddy heart! And my relationship with him was transformed and forever changed! His plan had prevailed! Praise God! His greatness no one can fathom! To God Be the Glory, Great Things He Hath Done!
To close, I want to say to you that as moms, our stories have differences, but they also have a common thread. Whether we waited years to be a mom, or our pregnancy came about unexpectedly, God is there just waiting to lead us, forgive us, save us, get us back on track, guide our steps, and empower us as moms with His Fierce Love! Oh, How He Loves You and Me! My prayer is that you know and have accepted His love.